(не)Много авиадиспетчерского

[Kiallet]

С Гордого взлетает пара Су-27 на выставку в Ле-Бурже.
По ошибке присвоили им позывной 85868 (пассажирский Ту-154).
Диалог:
Су: Москва-подход 85868 на Марьино 3600, далее Бужарово-Карманово.
Подход: 85868, набирайте 3900.
(набор высоты)
Су (БЕЗ ПАУЗЫ): 3900 занял.
Подход: Набирайте 4200.
Су (БЕЗ ПАУЗЫ): 4200 занял.
Подход: Набирайте 4500.
Су (БЕЗ ПАУЗЫ): 4500 занял.
Длинная ПАУЗА.
Подход: ТАААК… А КАКОЙ У ВАС ТИП САМОЛЕТА??? КТО ВЫ?

*

Д: "Следуйте до полосы один-три."
П: "Окей, до полосы три-один."
Д: "Ответ неверный, но идея хорошая... Я передумал, следуйте до полосы три-один..."

*

Диспетчер: Предупреждение пилотам: по сообщению водителя автомашины сопровождения, на полосе №5 нулевое трение из-за дождя... (пауза) Внимание! Полоса №5 закрыта из-за аварии автомашины сопровождения.

*

Диспетчер: Борт 2218, Вы - это та Сессна, которая позади Сессны, которая перед вами?

*

Пилот: Диспетчер Рейд-Хиллвью, это борт 6794, прошу инструкций по посадке.
Диспетчер: Борт 6794, опустите нос и сбавьте скорость.

*

Диспетчер: Борт 1478, ваша высота?
Пилот: 2000 футов.
Диспетчер: Ваша скорость?
Пилот: 70 узлов.
Диспетчер: Ваш курс?
Пилот: 120 градусов.
Диспетчер: Ваш размер лифчика?
Пилот: 3Б... А-а-а!!! Мать вашу!

*

Диспетчер: Рейс Аэрофлота 245, немедленно сверните с полосы Дельта!
Пилот: Наша компания заплатила за всю полосу, мы ее всю и проедем!



остальное, в комменты
осторожно, много английского

Comments

[Kiallet]

Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"
Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"

*

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

*

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

*

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

*

Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit!.." <подсказка - звучала сигнализация о не выпущенных шасси >

*

Just for everyone's information, Korso is a district of Vantaa, Finland.
It was a sunny day at EFHK (Helsinki-Vantaa) and a Finnair MD-11 was moving towards rwy 22L.
FIN MD: Tower, those photographers should be moved from their place...
Tower: Fin MD: They have a permission for being (a short pause)
FIN MD: Tower: They really should be removed.
Tower: Fin MD: They really have a permission...
(a pause again)
Fin MD: Tower: We're lined up on rwy 22L. Remove those photographers.
Tower: Fin MD: For the last time. They have a permission, so they won't be removed!
Fin MD: Tower: Ok then. Will be flying to Beijing and those boys will fly to Korso!

*

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred" *370000 feets*
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Centre"

[Kiallet]

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

*

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated

*

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

*

Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on 117.30"
Pilot: "Roger, tower on 123.50"

*

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

*

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

*

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."

*

Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form?"

[Kiallet]

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

*

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

*

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

*

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

*

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause

*

Female terminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."

*

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

*

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

*

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

[Kiallet]

Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centreline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

*

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

*

Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."

*

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

*

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

*

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."

*

Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."

*

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

*

Munchen Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."

[Kiallet]

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

*

Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.
Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuel state?
Aircraft: Fuel state
Tower: Say again?
Aircraft: Again....
After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon.

*

Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"
2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."

*

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.
Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"

*

One day a radar controller did a mistake in sequencing the traffic for landing, he let a Boeing 747 as number 2 behind a Cessna 172, as it looks very wierd, the B747 started to get closer to the Cessna, the controller instructed the captain of B747 to slow down 180 kts, captain did comply, after a while the controller instructed again the B747 to slow down to 160 knots, few moments later, the controller asked the captain of B747 to slow down to 130 kts! the captain asked the controller:
Capt: do you know at which speed does 747 stall?
contrl: I'm sorry...no idea...you can ask the co-pilot !

*

A MD-80 was holding short of runway 22 during the rush-hour.
Tower: "XXX123, are you ready for immediate?`"
XXX123: "Affirm."
Tower: "XXX123, roger, cleared for IMMEDIATE takeoff runway 22, wind XXX at XX."
XXX123: "cleared for immediate 22."
So the MD-80 taxies to a position and stops...
Tower: "XXX123, you're going or not??"
XXX123: "Yes yes, we're going in a moment."
Tower: "If you would had rear-view mirrors in that plane of yours, you would've taken off five minutes ago!"

*

ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working

*

(busy) Moncton Centre: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's Eskimo for f--- off!"

*

Aurora: "Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar flight following."
CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?"
Aurora: "Ah... roger that"

*

(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)
CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"

[Kiallet]

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?!
Pilot: Yes, SIR!!

*

Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

*

7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.

*

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!

*

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

*

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

*

Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."

*

Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

*

"NY Approach: Jet Blue 3021 slow to 200"
"Jet Blue 3021: Slowing to 200 Jet Blue 3021"
NY Approach: American 1123 Cleared for the Visual Approach for Runway
31 Tower is on 123.9, good night"
"American 1123: Cleared for the visual 31 into JFK Tower on 123.9, American 1123 good night"
"NY Approach: United 2130 turn right to 200"
"United 2130: Right to 200 United 2130"
"NY Approach: Piper N31Y descend and maintain 3,000"
"Piper N31Y: Down to 3,000, 31Yankee"
"NY Approach: American 2034 turn right heading 220 decend and maintain 4,000"
"American 2034: Left to 220 and down to 4 American 2034"
"Jet Blue 3021: Flight Attendants Please prepare for landing"
"NY Approach: Roger"
"American 2034: Wilco"
"United 2130: Will do"
"Piper N31Y: Copy" (laughter in the cockpit)
"NY Approach: Jet Blue 3021 you are cleared for the Visual Approach Runway 31m contact JFK tower on 123.9 good night"
"Jet Blue 3021: cleared for the visual runway 31 approach tower on
123.9 good night" (very timidly)

[Kiallet]

The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX.
Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?
BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !

*

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

*

Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

*

Exchange between Baltimore Approach and a C-172.

Balto: N12345, Type of aircraft?
N12345: Cessna 172
Balto: N12345, sqwalk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.
N12345: I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north. I just want flight following.
Balto: Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: What?
Balto: N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: I don't understand.
Balto: (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.
N12345: What does that mean?
Balto: It means you do the navigating.
N12345: Oh. Ok.
Balto: N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?
N12345: Uh, no. That's why I want flight following.
Balto: Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?
N12345: Which way can I go?
Balto: West or east.
N12345: I'll go west.
Balto: N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok?
N12345: Uh, ok...west of I-95. Thanks.

[Kiallet]

NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"

*

A/C: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"
RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"

*

TWR: Citation EAB make a long approach, number 2 to land..
Citation EAB: Roger, we make a long landing
TWR: I said long approach, if you go for a long landing, you can go right to the trash yard!

*

American 123 - Uh tower, what's the wind?
JFK Tower - A parcel of air moving across the surface of the earth, but that's not important right now, wind is 270 at 10.

*

NWA - "Uh tower we'll need 6L for departure."
TWR - "Ok - so you want the 9,000 foot runway instead of the 8,999 foot runway...?"

*

Cessna 123: Approched request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches, and an ASR approach.
Approach: Cessna 123 squawk 4753, and would you like fries with that, sir?

[Kiallet]

CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

*

BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723 (said with a slow, Eton type accent)
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre, go ahead
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723 has a message for you
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre is ready to copy message
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, message is as follows: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday ....

*

LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."

*

Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft.
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR
on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676,
4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am
returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft ?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!

*

KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Malibu 229: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

[Kiallet]

British Airways 747 (Speedbird): "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

*

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!

*

Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"

*

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

[Kiallet]

Д: "Борт XXX, похоже, что у вас открыт один из люков багажного отсека"
П: "А, спасибо, башня, но вы скорее всего приняли за люк багажного отсека люк нашей вспомогательной силовой установки"
Д: "Окей, взлет разрешаю"
Самолет начинает разгон.
Д: "Борт XXX, э-э-э... Похоже, из вашей вспомогательной силовой установки началась утечка багажа..."

*

Д: "Борт такой-то, вам нужно освещение полосы для посадки?"
П: "Ээ... да ладно, обойдемся без него."
Д: "Это хорошо, а то у нас его нет..."

*

Д (молодой-зеленый, с инструктором): "Борт ХХХ, займите эшелон 60."
Никакой реакции.
Д: "Борт ХХХ, займите эшелон 60."
Тишина.
Д (нервничая): "Борт ХХХ, ответьте диспетчеру."
Инструктор - диспетчеру: "Даю наводку: может быть, у него радио не работает?"
Д: "Борт ХХХ, если вы меня слышите, щелкните один раз тангентой. Если вы меня НЕ СЛЫШИТЕ щелкните дважды!"
Пилот (щелкает тангентой): "клик-клик".

*

Пилот (пытается прорваться через сильные помехи в эфире): Пшшш, чавк, чавк, пшшшш, чавк.
Д: "Эээ... Не слышу вас, сплошные шумы. Звучит так, как будто вы сосете поливочный шланг."

[Kiallet]

Д: "Борт ХХХ, у вас пересекающийся борт в 6 милях, направление на 10 часов."
П: "Дайте другой ориентир, у меня электронные часы."

*

Диспетчер пытается локализовать пилота-ученика, потерявшегося в воздухе после долгого перелета.
Д: "Каково было ваше последнее известное местоположение?"
П: "Когда я стоял вторым в очереди на взлет."

*

П: "Башня, когда мы взлетали, мы видели в дальнем конце полосы какое-то мертвое животное."
Д: "Борт, ожидающий взлета, вы слышали?"
Пилот, ожидающий взлета: "Слышал. Мы уже уведомили нашего поставщика провизии."

*

Д: "Борт такой-то, переключитесь на частоту 119.3"
Молчание
Д: "Борт такой-то, переключитесь на частоту 119.3"
Молчание
Д: "Борт такой-то, вы меня слышите?"
Долгая пауза
П: "Борт такой-то, вызывали?"
Д: "Я уже четыре раза вас вызывал. Переключитесь на частоту 119.3"
П: "Нет, вы нас только три раза вызывали!"

*

Время к полудню, на земле скопилась куча самолетов, ожидающих разрешение на взлет.
П: "Вышка, это "Алиталия-1234", у вас есть для нас хорошие новости?
Д: "Да. У меня скоро день рождения..."

*

Над Германией.
Д - самолету итальянской авиакомпании: "Алиталия ХХХ, ответьте диспетчеру"
Тишина.
Д: "Алиталия ХХХ, ответьте диспетчеру"
Тишина.
Д: "Алиталия ХХХ?"
Анонимный пилот с немецким акцентом: "У них там, кажется, спонтанная забастовка"

*

Над Англией.
Д: "Эйр Франс 123, переключайтесь на частоту наземного диспетчера, и удачи вам в сегодняшнем футбольном матче Франции с Англией"
Анонимный английский пилот другого самолета: "НЕ ПОНЯЛ, ВЫ ЭТО СЕРЬЕЗНО?!"
Д: "А то! Я ирландец"

*

П: Москва-Подход, аэрофлот ХХХ, в наборе 3900, подписано 10100, на Берлин.
Д: Аэрофлот ХХХ, Москва-Подход, набирайте 10100 и возвращайтесь с победой

*

Где-то над бескрайними просторами Красноярского края...
Штурман, перепутав кнопки, выдаёт в эфир: «Кто спиздил мою линейку!?»
Спустя несколько секунд: «65615 линейку не брал!» «85672 линейку не брал!»